Love and Logicisms

Jim Fay & Charles Fay, Ph.D.
Love and Logic Institute

www.loveandlogic.com

Call 620-331-3480 or 620-251-8180 to register for any of the Parent Education Classes provided through the Parent Education Program of Four County Mental Health Center.  Find additional information and class schedules at www.fourcounty.com

• Wise parents know that most real world consequences come without warnings. They parent in a way that creates a voice inside of their children’s heads. This voice says, “If I make a bad choice, something bad or even dangerous could happen – without any warnings.”

• Parents who use smaller and less meaningful consequences when misbehaviors begin, find that they have to use many more consequences – and larger ones in the long run.  They also notice that their kids are resentful and poorly behaved.

• Parents who use larger and more meaningful consequences when misbehaviors just begin, find that they have to use fewer consequences in the long run. They also notice that their kids are happier and better behaved.

• When a child says, “I don’t care if you do that,” the wise parent enthusiastically responds, “Oh thank goodness! That makes it a lot easier for both of us.”

• Wise parents never waste words trying to talk their kids into caring.

• Wise parents know that good discipline and logical consequences still work, even when their kids roll their eyes and say, “I don’t care if you do that.”

• Wise parents remember:  “Never let your kids see you sweat!”

• Wise parents know that kids will use guilt only if it works on their parents.  And, wise parents never allow guilt to guide their parenting.

• Wise parents realize that it is more difficult to make good decisions when issues center around their own childhood fears or pains.  Wise parents don’t allow OTHER parents’ rules to dictate how they run their own homes.

• Wise parents wait until they are calm and have a plan before delivering consequences.

• Anger and frustration feed misbehavior.  Wise parents understand that sadness is a much better teacher than anger.

• When a child says, “I hate you,” they are really saying, “I’m doing everything I can to manipulate you and it isn’t working! I want my way!” 

• Wise parents aren’t afraid of their kids getting mad at them.  They understand that children can hate what their parents do- while still loving their parents very much.  Wise parents also teach their kids that it is OK to be mad but not OK to hurt others with words or actions.

• It’s really hard to surf the Net without a surfboard. Wise parents remove the computer as soon as it becomes an object of constant hassles or conflict.

• Without saying a word, we constantly show our kids what we believe they can be. They will either live up to our highest expectations ~ or down to our greatest fears.

• There are no things more powerful than quiet, loving, or silly moments between us and our kids. These moments can only flower when the distractions and temptations of our TVs and computer screens are switched off. Try experimenting with a TV-free and computer-free weekend. You may be pleasantly surprised!
• Parents are wise to worry about the type of “education” their kids are getting on the Internet.
• The only throne a child should sit on is in the bathroom.  Kids always feel safer and more loved when Mom and Dad are queen and king in a loving, gentle way.
• Parents who battle with their kids over friendship choices create teenagers who sneak around behind their backs.
• The more we lecture, threaten and yell about nasty looks, the more our children learn that nonverbal barbs are an effective way of controlling others and getting an entertaining show of frustration and anger.
• Wise parents know that strong family relationships and good parenting are far more powerful and longer lasting influences than peer pressure.
• Wise parents encourage their kids to go first class on their own money.
• Wise parents don’t do special things for kids who treat them like barnyard waste.

• It’s simple. Don’t fight with your kids over nasty looks if they are actually doing what you want! Just say, “I know you don’t like this, but thanks for doing it for me anyway. I love you.”

• Never let a manipulating child see you sweat.
• The more we lecture, threaten and yell about nasty looks, the more our children learn that nonverbal barbs are an effective way of controlling others and getting an entertaining show of frustration and anger. 
• Wise parents don’t allow themselves to be drawn into arguments over their kids’ body language
• Love allows children to grow through their mistakes.  Logic allows children to live with the consequences of their choices.

• Parents who try to be the “brick wall” soon have and feel many battle scars.

• Love and Logic parents become more like a cloud than a brick wall in the face of attacks or arguments.

• Wise parents know an angry, “’Cause I said so !” Makes life for them and their children a whole lot worse. 

• Wise parents recognize the difference between genuine curiosity and manipulation.

• The best person to answer the question “but why?”  Is the person asking it. Wise parents respond to “but why?” with “And why do you think?”

• To avoid a fight with your kids, Tell them what you will provide, Not what they have to do.

• Never expect that giving concessions will bring gratitude.  Concessions made to demanding kids rob them of the opportunity to learn respectfulness, responsibility, and how to earn what they want.

• Saying “No” to a $200 pair of sneakers does not constitute child abuse.

• Wise parents don’t allow words to gain shock value.
• Wise parents know that the battles fought with children about eating eventually become eating disorders after kids leave the family.  (The battles never end. They start out at the conscious level and later move to the subconscious level.) 

• Wise parents know that kids only threaten to starve themselves. If this were anything but a hollow threat, there would be no adults alive today to be tricked by these hollow threats.

• Wise parents delay consequences until they have time to talk to others and put together a “watertight” plan.  These plans teach resistant kids that their parents are so powerful that they can handle them without breaking a sweat—and so loving that they can discipline with sadness instead of anger.
• Wise parents know how to give guidance while keeping responsibility for the problem squarely on their children’s shoulders.
• Chores are the basic building blocks of pride and feelings of being loved and needed by one’s family.  Kids who have this at home don’t need to find it in a cult or street gang.
• Wise parents are consistently available to listen to their children when they hurt, are disappointed, or need advice.  They teach their children how to approach them with sincere concerns, and they are always willing to discuss problems in a calm, loving manner.
• Kids are usually more likely to talk about difficult issues if they are interacting with us over some other fun activity.  Next time your child seems upset, play a game with him, start a woodworking project, or bake some cookies together.  You might be surprised what comes out!

• Listening and using empathy is more important than “fixing” the problem.

• Kids who don’t feel listened to and understood by their parents tend to search for these feelings in other places—in gangs—in cults—in drugs—etc.
• Wise parents know the difference between a manipulating child and one who is hurting and desperately needs them to listen and understand.
• Wise parents know that their kids may someday choose their nursing home.

• Wise parents don’t dignify the ridiculous by offering factual information.  There’s nothing wrong with a child that an arguing parent can’t make worse.

• Wise parents don’t dignify the ridiculous by offering factual information.  There’s nothing wrong with a child that an arguing parent can’t make worse.
• Every time we lecture a child about what he or she has learned, or say something like, “Now, have you learned your lesson?” we rub salt into the wounds and damage the parent-child relationship.  Kids learn most from consequences when we keep our mouths shut and let the consequence be the “bad guy.”
• Chores are so important to lifelong success that wise parents win the battle over them at all costs—for both themselves and their children.
• Do not pay your kids for completing their chores.
• When kids say, “Mary’s mom doesn’t make her do chores,” wise parents smile and say, “Well that’s really sad for Mary.  Aren’t you glad I love you enough to expect more of you?”